I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
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