i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
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