Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
