Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I am available for nakedness
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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