I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
