never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize