drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
