My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
