Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
