Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
My pussy is not your playground.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
