just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I need moral support for this bender
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
