I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Randomize
