wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Randomize
