I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
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