We're like a lot better than the average bears
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize