When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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