just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
