she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
