fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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