She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
