I haven't been this sober since birth.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
