Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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