Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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