I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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