Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
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