Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
