also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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