My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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