peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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