He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
you had me at cake vodka
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
