I just cut my nipple shaving
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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