Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
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