dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
