Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
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