I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
