So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Randomize
