Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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