did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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