I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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