First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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