the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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