i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
