I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
dude i'm inner monologue high
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
