Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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