i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Randomize
