i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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