I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize