I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
