dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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