Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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