he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
