Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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