I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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