I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
