I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Dear god my vagina.
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