Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
