Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
