I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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